I can't sleep.
It's too bloody dark in the room and, even though I know Harry, Neville, Seamus, and Dean are there, it makes me feel like I'm all alone. Like maybe the dark is going to swallow me up or something. It's ruddy ridiculous, I know, but that's what it feels like. And I can't exactly leave a candle on when they're all trying to sleep, now can I?
Merlin. I'm seventeen and here I am wishing I could have a candle or two cos I'm afraid of the fucking dark.
But I am afraid of it, I reckon. It was dark, so dark there and my mind is kind of dark, too. Dark like I can't remember much of anything. Or maybe it's cos I just don't want to remember.
It's hard not to think on it, though. It's hard cos every time Harry and Hermione look at me, I know they're thinking about it. And when Mum and Dad were here and all of us were together (save for Percy. Did the wanker even know I was missing?
Did he even care, if he did?
), I knew they were thinking about it too, even if they didn't come right out and ask me about anything. I'm glad they didn't cos I don't know what I would have said. 'Sorry Mum and Dad, can't rightly remember much else than Harry's now-dead aunt braying in my ear and saying all sorts of shite about Harry, his Mum and Dad, and us wizards that made me hate her more than I already did' and tell them how it hurt like hell being all tied up and I kept getting poked with that bastard's cane and his wife's mad sister kept.... I can't. I know stuff happened and it was bad but I can't. I just can't.
I just want to move on. I couldn't stand the look on Mum, Dad, Bill, Charlie, Gin, or Fred and George's faces this weekend and I can't stand it on Harry and Hermione and the guys. I just want to be me again and go back to how things were.
But I know I can't.
I can't and I'm trying really hard to accept that. It's hard, though, cos on the inside I keep fighting with myself and it's making other people that I need not want to be around me. I think I might've hacked Hermione off yesterday in that classroom
, but I don't know what exactly I did or how to fix it. And I want to be there for Harry today cos it's one year since Sirius died but I don't know if I'm the Ron he needs anymore.
I don't know if I'm the Ron anyone needs anymore.
I don't know if I'm the Ron anyone needs anymore but I'll try to be.