I can't sleep. I've been pacing all night and even though I'm tired as all get-out, I just cannot make myself sit down and sleep. I've too many ruddy thoughts in my head and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do about anything.
I haven't even gone back to Gryffindor; I've just hid in the Muggle Studies lab all night since Goldstein left. Other than chasing that berk Carmichael off hours ago--and he's not even supposed to BE near one of these computers!! I'll have to tell Professor Flitwick!--no one's come by to bother me. On one hand that's brilliant but on the other that means I'll have to go talk to Bundy or Capper and let them know that whichever prefects were on duty tonight were NOT doing their job!>!!! No one came by to even open up the door and peer into it while on rounds. Bloody fantastic. Circe, I'll take it up with Bundy. I'll take talking to her over Capper ANY day. Even if she's a Slytherin and a bum-pincher, she's Head Girl and THAT means I don't have to deal with Capper's smarmy superiour Head Boy act if I don't absolutely have to.
Goldstein's got a lot of nerve, that one. He found me last night and we had something of a chat
. I don't know why I told him the things I did, but he seemed to think that I did it on account of being cross with Harry and Hermione and needing to talk about it. Maybe that was the reason. Or maybe it was because he's a persistent bugger and I just wanted him to shut his damned gob already. Honestly, he's nearly as bossy as Hermione sometimes! Maybe that's part of the reason Harry likes him so much. He's kind of the male version of Hermione, only with a very happy demeanor or something. Not that she's not happy, you know...but I think they're alike in a lot of ways.
Bloody hell. I've been thinking over and over and over what I said
to her last night and I--
I feel horrid.
It's not that I feel horrid for what I felt, it's that I feel horrid for, well, treating her like I did. Goldstein's right; she doesn't deserve to be yelled at. Merlin, if my mum sees that I acted like that towards her, she'll ruddy hex my skin off!!>!!
She's had all this bad stuff happen to her--her dad getting killed, losing her magic, not being able to do her animagus form when she'd just learnt how to do it....and here I am acting like a right fuckwit. I don't know how I'm going to fix it; I know I just buggered things up but good. She's lost her magic but I KNOW she'll get it back. She has to, that's all. Dad's got all these top people working on it and he won't let anyone down. Dad's never let anyone down, not ever, and he's not about to start now.
I think what got me riled up was when she'd nearly point blank accused me of being a sodding hypocrite the other night! I'm NOT!
I'm not a hypocrite.
I'm not. It's not the same thing, not at all!
She's lost her magic. That's a temporary thing with a cure on the way. I've gotten stuck with these flashy thingee VISIONS and, seeing as how the Department of Mysteries isn't even too fucking keen on telling Mum and Dad what that brain thing was and Dad's the Minister, I'm stuck with them! Stuck with them for GOOD! Bloody hell; I'm surprised the Department of Mysteries hasn't wanted me to come in for a sodding examination and to poke and prod at me.
She'll get better. They'll get better. I won't.
The thing is, she's not alone. There are plenty of other people here at school who've been having problems with their magic as well. She's NOT in the minority or a special case. I am. There's a difference there; why can't she see it? Why can't she see that she's GOT people to talk to about her problems while I DON'T and that makes it not on for me to have been going around telling people until now that I DO See things?
I just want to be normal. Luna says that I'm not
. I don't want to be a freak or out-of-the-ordinary. Fuck. I don't want to be known as the Freak Weasley Kid. I just DON'T. I thought Hermione knew--
I've so much to live up to, with Bill having been Head Boy and brilliant, Charlie being the ace Quidditch player, Fred and George being the brilliantly charming and fun ones, Percy being Perfect, Ginny being Mum and Dad's baby... and what does that make me? Who am I? Which Weasley am I? I don't want to be the one who Sees stuff. I just want to be normal and make my name as a Weasley for myself doing NORMAL things, not for having some dodgy skill that a mad brain from the Department of Mysteries gave me.
I've also botched things up with Harry
and I don't even know why I took it out on him. I want to apologise but I don't quite know what to say or how to say it. That wasn't right of me, not at all.
They're my best mates and I've been treating the both of them like shite.
I don't deserve them.
Maybe I ought to go find Charlie or Bill since they're here helping Professor Flitwick for a while.
Right. It's still dark outside. They're sleeping yet.
I reckon I'll just go back to pacing.